"How do I give someone feedback when what I want to say is still unstructured or abstract? How do I deliver difficult feedback?"
Safe feedback is feedback you can give with confidence. You did your homework, collected the facts, employed empathy, structured the message, and you are ready to deliver it effectively. You may feel a bit cautious, but for the most part it feels safe.
"You seemed a little off during the stand-up today. Are you ok? […] I'm sorry you are going through that […] still, it does not give you a license to raise your voice when talking to the team. You don't need to do that today, but I do expect you to apologize to them." - Can you hear the confidence?
What do you do when you've done the homework, and it still feels too unstructured or abstract? There is a good chance that the person who can give you the missing information is the same person you want to deliver feedback to. It is very hard to get this information without sharing, at least parts, of your abstract feedback.
It is a test of your ability to be vulnerable.
Vulnerable feedback is uncomfortable. You have a feeling. Something is off, but you can't put your finger on it. You want to be fair and objective, but you can't seem to get all the information you need.
"We've been working together for almost a year now, and for some reason, I still don't feel like I really trust you. I know this can sound harsh. I'm sharing because I really want to build more trust between us. Do you feel the same? What could we do to improve the situation?" - Not a lot of confidence here.
With any kind of feedback assuming that you could be wrong is a good strategy. With vulnerable feedback the chance of being wrong is heigher and you immeddiately put yourself in the receiving end of some, pottentially very critical, feedback.
- Vulnerable feedback is optional.
- It is ok not to be vulnerable, but it can limit the relationship's quality. It can also slow down the development of your ability to read people
- Vulnerable feedback is not primarily about the truth. It is primarily about building a relationship
- It is not "I know the truth, and I'll share it with you so you can improve."
- It is more "Hej, here is something I've been thinking about, I'm not sure if there is truth here, but I think it will be useful to you. I'm sharing this as-is because I don't want to deprive you of the chance to learn from it. I also think that I can learn something by sharing this with you."
- Vulnerable feedback is a high-risk high-reward endeavor.
- Giving feedback is a tool to accomplish a goal; it should not be a goal in itself.
Resources
Thank you Leah for giving feedback on earlier versions of this